So You Want The Day Off

Everyone who works likes their day off. Yet, if you look at it from the employer’s perspective, it is really not warranted. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for when you ask for a day off:

“There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two (2) days off, per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days per year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be doggone if you are going to take that day off!!”

A Little Bible Study

There are questions that I have about life that I cannot find an answer. For instance, in politics we have heard the phrase “Left and Right” for years as it refers to the Conservatives and the Liberals. But no one seems to know the origin of this phrase. Recently, I found the origin of this phrase in the Bible. If we look in Ecclesiastes 10:2, it says, “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.”

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen. Can’t get any simpler than that.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

If you listen to children you will hear the strangest and funny things come from their mouths. And much of it is true! For instance the following:

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ’ I.’

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

Seniors … No One Believes Us

No one believes seniors … everyone thinks we are senile. An elderly couple in Buffalo was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money — fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”.

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday……….”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Birthdays

GOTCHA! A friend of mine had a birthday yesterday, Wednesday, Aug. 15 and thought that I would not find out about it. But I have “spies” everywhere. So I want to wish Lee Sanders a very happy birthday and many more to come.

The following folks are having birthdays this week: Nathan Wingertsahn on Thursday, Aug. 16; Betty Medford on Friday, Aug. 17; Philip Lemons and Terry Hollingsworth on Saturday, Aug. 18; Terry Gregory, Bernice Lawson, Andy Farr, and Coby Hogan on Monday, Aug. 20; and Lydia Smith on August 22. These are wonderful people and I hope that we will remember to call them and wish them a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

A Special Congratulation

to Tiffany Renae Eller and Vincenzo Daniele Iovane who were joined in Holy Matrimony on this past Saturday, Aug. 11. It is always exciting to witness the wedding of a couple bringing their lives together to form a new family. The bride was truly radiant in her beautiful bridal gown. We ask that God richly bless their marriage and their future together.

Prayer Concerns

I just heard that Ms. Nancy Browning had a stroke on June 26 and that she is now recuperating at the home of her granddaughter, Missy Bogan, in Inman, S.C. She sounds wonderful on the telephone and praises God for her healing. Please keep her in your daily prayers and if you want to talk to her, her new telephone number is 864-441-4990. Also, Lane Pettit, wife of Andy Pettit, had serious surgery last Thursday, Aug. 9. Let’s pray for a strong, solid recovery for Ms. Lane, okay?

Late For Work

Are you ever late for work? Better have a better excuse than Jones had.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

Hospital Drama

As a parent, we know that we have to be really careful what we say in the presence of our small children. Following is a case in point: A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her sick Grandpa. When they get there, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly. “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!” “What?” said her Grandpa. “Make a noise like a frog, because Grandma said as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”

Thought Of The Week

“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.”

If You Have Good News

When you see, hear, or make news, hear good, funny, and clean jokes, please email your news and jokes to me at cap9296@aol.com, call me at 864-441-2371, mail your news to me at POB 128, Buffalo, or stop me on the street. When you celebrate good things in your life, I would like to share that with the good people of Buffalo. You want to laugh. I want to laugh. So please make me laugh.

Until next week, may God bless you richly.